Why Relationships Require Risk (Especially for Nice Guys) - Nice Guy Pattern #4

01:00:00: Welcome to the Nice Guy Myths Busted Series

01:00:02: of the Drop the Mask podcast.

01:00:05: Together, we shine a light on the false.

01:00:08: The habits, roles and thoughts that have

01:00:11: never been the real you.

01:00:13: When you see them clearly and stop making

01:00:16: them part of your identity,

01:00:18: they lose their power.

01:00:21: Without that recognition,

01:00:22: you'll always be pulled back

01:00:24: to the same cycles of

01:00:25: frustration and pain.

01:00:28: But with it, you can

01:00:29: return back to your true self.

01:00:33: A confident, connected man, you've always

01:00:35: been beneath the patterns.

01:00:37: So let's get started.

01:00:43: I recently had a conversation with a

01:00:45: friend, let's call him Chris.

01:00:47: And Chris lived

01:00:48: together with this one girl

01:00:51: he thought was really attractive.

01:00:54: And he was asking me, OK, how can I?

01:00:56: What should I do?

01:00:57: Should I approach her?

01:00:58: Should I not?

01:00:59: Like, we can explore the options for him.

01:01:02: And what became clear, very fast, was

01:01:05: that he thought of himself

01:01:08: as not being good enough yet, not being

01:01:10: developed enough, like having

01:01:12: he sees all his internal

01:01:14: problems and internal struggles.

01:01:16: And he doesn't want to

01:01:18: put her through that.

01:01:20: He doesn't want to cause her pain.

01:01:22: And therefore was

01:01:24: like, OK, I need to work.

01:01:26: I'm myself first before I can approach

01:01:29: someone or can ask someone out on a date

01:01:32: specifically can ask her out on a date.

01:01:34: The pattern which came through here was

01:01:37: very clearly that he just wanted

01:01:40: to avoid hurting someone else.

01:01:43: And he actually saw it as

01:01:44: a very noble thing to do.

01:01:48: The thing here, though, was that he

01:01:49: wasn't afraid that he gets hurt.

01:01:51: He was only afraid

01:01:52: about the other person.

01:01:53: And before we get into why that is and

01:01:56: why that is false and

01:01:57: not a good behavior,

01:01:58: I want to give you another example,

01:02:00: another friend that's called him Alex.

01:02:03: And Alex had one to date

01:02:06: with this one girl already,

01:02:08: and he wanted to decide if he wants to

01:02:10: move further or not.

01:02:13: And he also felt like not ready yet.

01:02:15: He's also in a situation where he's just

01:02:17: building up a business.

01:02:17: So there are obvious, like

01:02:19: logical reasons for that.

01:02:20: But we got also to the same conclusion

01:02:23: that he was kind of

01:02:25: having this mindset of

01:02:27: if I ended now, I can

01:02:29: avoid pain in the future.

01:02:31: And he said like he drew from past

01:02:33: experiences and where it didn't work.

01:02:36: And like if I ended now and I'm not going

01:02:39: any further, then I can avoid more pain

01:02:42: in the future. And what it means is that.

01:02:46: These two people right now, they're

01:02:49: avoiding putting

01:02:51: themselves in a situation

01:02:53: where they potentially hurt someone and

01:02:56: therefore missing out on potentially

01:02:59: really good opportunities because

01:03:01: karmically you open yourself for both

01:03:04: when you step into a

01:03:05: new opportunity, right?

01:03:07: It can be the best experience ever.

01:03:09: And like it could be maybe with your wife

01:03:11: and kids, like, you know,

01:03:12: if that's the thing you're striving for,

01:03:15: that's what you want, building a family.

01:03:17: But it could also cause a lot of hurt and

01:03:19: you don't know which ones of these two

01:03:21: it will be or maybe even both. Right.

01:03:24: So why is that false?

01:03:28: And why is that a false behavior?

01:03:29: And why is that not noble as the first

01:03:32: friend thought it would be?

01:03:34: So the main reason why that is not a

01:03:35: noble behavior is because you don't do

01:03:39: that to really protect the other person.

01:03:42: But the underlying reason is that you

01:03:44: want to protect yourself

01:03:46: because as a nice guy, you're so

01:03:48: dependent on the other

01:03:49: person's emotional state.

01:03:53: You're so codependent that

01:03:54: you want to avoid their pain,

01:03:57: but not for like a just nice reason

01:04:00: because you really want to be like,

01:04:02: you know, a good person, but you are

01:04:05: afraid that you have to endure the pain

01:04:08: because it makes you feel sad and shitty

01:04:11: when you cause someone else pain.

01:04:13: Plus, how does the other person see you?

01:04:16: The other person might see you as a bad

01:04:17: person, as someone who's not good,

01:04:20: you know, who does evil things.

01:04:22: And that's something nice guys really,

01:04:25: really dislike and try to avoid.

01:04:28: And therefore, if you don't even approach

01:04:30: her and if you don't even try to

01:04:33: build a relationship or

01:04:35: inviting her for a date,

01:04:37: then you can avoid her

01:04:38: pain in the first instance.

01:04:40: But ultimately, it's your own pain you're

01:04:42: avoiding and it's your own

01:04:45: insecurities about like

01:04:47: being seen as a bad guy.

01:04:48: So what results out of this behavior is

01:04:50: oftentimes that you

01:04:52: ghost the other person

01:04:53: or you're not really communicating what

01:04:55: you feel and what you

01:04:56: want or what you don't want.

01:04:58: And you're maybe just overreacting and

01:05:01: end things before

01:05:02: they really got started.

01:05:04: And you will you tell yourself that

01:05:07: there's another way,

01:05:08: as there will be another time and I will

01:05:10: be a different person.

01:05:11: I'm going to be way more healed.

01:05:12: I have to work on myself first without

01:05:14: realizing that that

01:05:16: future will never really come.

01:05:18: Are you ever really healed fully?

01:05:23: Yeah, we can learn more about ourselves.

01:05:25: But I think the most and best way of

01:05:28: healing is also to to

01:05:30: build that awareness,

01:05:31: to build that presence.

01:05:32: Yeah, it's important.

01:05:33: But then going into these real life

01:05:35: examples and tests and

01:05:37: getting tested every day

01:05:39: and working through these,

01:05:40: this is what life is about.

01:05:41: This is what being courageous is, right?

01:05:44: Like being afraid of

01:05:44: things and going through them.

01:05:46: Another reason why it's not a good

01:05:47: behavior is you take away

01:05:49: the agency of that woman.

01:05:52: Right. You already decide that she

01:05:55: probably is going to be her.

01:05:56: You're probably going to hurt her.

01:05:57: And you're making the plan of basically

01:06:02: not that that won't happen.

01:06:05: And you decide for her, I know, like we

01:06:08: shouldn't even try it.

01:06:10: But it all comes out of fear and not out

01:06:12: of love for the other person.

01:06:15: So basically, you don't

01:06:16: trust the other person to.

01:06:20: Manage their emotions to be maybe OK with

01:06:23: having pain every now and then.

01:06:26: And we have to remember

01:06:28: that pain is inevitable.

01:06:30: Only suffering is a choice.

01:06:33: Like pain is something which will like

01:06:35: everybody endures every now and then.

01:06:39: And you can't avoid pain.

01:06:41: But we're so afraid of causing pain to

01:06:45: someone else as a nice guy,

01:06:46: is that going into situations

01:06:49: where we believe we could potentially

01:06:51: cause someone pain and we don't trust

01:06:53: that other person to.

01:06:55: That they're able to deal with that pain,

01:06:58: because maybe we're not able to deal with

01:06:59: that pain or we're not able to deal with

01:07:03: the pain that someone else thinks we're

01:07:06: bad and they are projecting on us.

01:07:08: And they say, oh,

01:07:09: you're such a bad person.

01:07:10: You're a toxic man, maybe, right?

01:07:13: You're a predator.

01:07:14: You're like all like all the other men.

01:07:16: And that hurts.

01:07:18: That hurts inside.

01:07:19: And this was one of my biggest reasons

01:07:21: why I didn't want to take any real risky

01:07:25: steps because I was afraid of what the

01:07:26: other person's opinion of me might be

01:07:28: when they get to know me how that

01:07:30: eventually plays out because I had no

01:07:33: self worth, no self

01:07:34: esteem, no self confidence.

01:07:36: But we have to remember that we're not

01:07:38: the saviors of the other person.

01:07:41: We're not here to manage

01:07:43: other people's emotions.

01:07:44: We're not here to manage

01:07:46: other people's boundaries.

01:07:48: And now that you have that knowledge, you

01:07:49: can start to analyze in your own life and

01:07:53: see and kind of observe in which areas of

01:07:57: your life you're doing that maybe with

01:07:59: family, with friends, you know, this with

01:08:03: your partner, of course,

01:08:05: or with women in your life.

01:08:08: Ultimately, relationships require risks.

01:08:12: Being vulnerable, loving

01:08:14: someone, open your own heart.

01:08:16: That means opening yourself

01:08:18: and the other person for pain.

01:08:21: And the best thing we as nice guys can do

01:08:23: is being okay with sitting in pain by

01:08:27: ourselves, having that uncomfortable

01:08:29: emotion and letting it be there.

01:08:31: And then also trusting the other person

01:08:34: that they're also going to be okay, even

01:08:36: if they have a really painful period.

01:08:39: And even if we have to end things further

01:08:41: down the line, but you never get to the

01:08:45: outcome, you deserve the things you

01:08:47: crave, the life you want when you're not

01:08:50: taking any risks, right?

01:08:52: Like a baby who just started to walk,

01:08:54: like it took many attempts and many

01:08:58: attempts of standing up and falling down

01:09:00: and literally maybe having a little bit

01:09:02: of pain because of the falling down.

01:09:05: If that baby would try to prevent the

01:09:07: pain fully, then it

01:09:08: would never start to walk.

01:09:10: And this is so obvious

01:09:12: in this comparison, right?

01:09:14: But like, this is what a lot of people,

01:09:15: me included through my whole twenties,

01:09:17: did every single day.

01:09:20: Trying to not rock the boat, trying to be

01:09:22: the good guy, trying to avoid pain for

01:09:24: others and for myself.

01:09:27: And that's not a good behavior because it

01:09:30: doesn't bring you the

01:09:31: success and the happiness you want.

01:09:34: With that being said, I have an action of

01:09:36: a quest for you like every week.

01:09:38: I'm going to read it here.

01:09:40: This week, notice one moment where you

01:09:43: feel the urge to protect someone from

01:09:45: hurt by making a choice for them.

01:09:48: Pause. Instead of stepping in, practice

01:09:51: sharing honestly what you

01:09:53: feel and then let them respond.

01:09:56: So when you notice you want to protect

01:09:58: someone from pain and you make a decision

01:09:59: for them, you take away the agency.

01:10:02: Try not to and see

01:10:04: how that feels for you.

01:10:06: Maybe there's fear

01:10:06: coming up, which is OK.

01:10:09: Let the fear be there.

01:10:10: Like, let it be.

01:10:11: But really try to let the other person

01:10:14: decide for themselves

01:10:15: what they want to do.

01:10:18: And don't try to protect

01:10:19: them or be the savior for them.

01:10:21: And I also have four journal prompts for

01:10:24: you guys who are very

01:10:25: afraid of hurting others.

01:10:28: First one, am I protecting them from pain

01:10:31: or protecting myself from

01:10:33: feeling like the bad guy?

01:10:36: Second, where in my childhood did I learn

01:10:40: it was my role to manage

01:10:42: other people's emotion?

01:10:44: Third, how does it feel in my body when I

01:10:48: imagine letting someone make their own

01:10:50: choice, even if it leads to hurt?

01:10:53: Number four, what would it mean to trust

01:10:57: others are strong enough

01:10:59: to handle their emotions?

01:11:02: So these questions will also

01:11:03: be down in the description.

01:11:07: Yeah, so thank you for tuning in.

01:11:09: This fear of hurting others and causing

01:11:12: others pain is really common,

01:11:14: especially for nice guys and

01:11:17: building the presence, building the

01:11:20: awareness within ourselves and noticing

01:11:23: these patterns is the

01:11:24: first step to step out of them.

01:11:27: And to come back to your true self and to

01:11:30: find that separation between who am I

01:11:33: really and what kind of

01:11:35: behavior patterns are not really me.

01:11:38: And I just this, you know, learned

01:11:40: behavior from childhood

01:11:41: where I try to survive.

01:11:42: So, yeah, thank you so much for listening.

01:11:44: I hope this helped a little bit to

01:11:47: discover yourself a little bit more and

01:11:50: to get to understand

01:11:51: yourself a little bit more.

01:11:53: And I see you next week.