Why You Feel the Need to Solve Everyone’s Problems - Nice Guy Pattern #3

01:00:00: Welcome to the Nice Guy Myths - Busted series

01:00:02: of the Drop the Mask podcast.

01:00:05: Together we shine a light on the false.

01:00:08: The habits, roles and

01:00:10: thoughts that have never been

01:00:12: the real you. When you see them clearly

01:00:14: and stop making them

01:00:16: part of your identity,

01:00:18: they lose their power. Without that

01:00:21: recognition you'll always be

01:00:23: pulled back to the same cycles

01:00:25: of frustration and pain. But with it you

01:00:29: can return back to your true self.

01:00:32: The confident, connected man you've

01:00:35: always been beneath the

01:00:36: patterns. So let's get started.

01:00:43: This week's pattern ties a lot into two

01:00:46: patterns ago in the

01:00:47: first episode of the series,

01:00:49: what I talked about there. And actually I

01:00:51: want to open with the same

01:00:52: story, ironically. It was

01:00:55: about me asking a friend why are we

01:00:58: friends. And then he asked

01:01:00: me that back and I kind of

01:01:02: didn't expect it because I was planned as

01:01:05: a one-sided thing. And the moment he

01:01:08: asked me back I was like

01:01:10: I don't actually know. Like it felt like

01:01:14: he's friend with me, like

01:01:17: his answer basically was

01:01:18: like yeah you helped me with this, you

01:01:19: gave me this insight, you

01:01:21: made me do this the first time,

01:01:23: I really grew through our friendship, it

01:01:25: was really cool. I was like

01:01:26: wow yeah it feels so good.

01:01:27: And it was why are we friends. And then I

01:01:29: was thinking about okay

01:01:30: what did you do for me. And

01:01:31: then I was like I didn't read any book, I

01:01:33: didn't go to any event

01:01:35: because of him. And then it kind

01:01:40: of hit me as like I'm with just friends

01:01:43: because you let me help you.

01:01:47: Kind of was the first answer

01:01:48: I came up with when I was honest to

01:01:50: myself. Because I can fix

01:01:54: you. So the pattern for this

01:01:56: week is like fixing others and being in

01:02:01: this like saviour

01:02:02: syndrome. Another example I have,

01:02:05: it doesn't have to be like in this like

01:02:08: fixing another person to

01:02:09: you know be more happy and

01:02:11: gaining approval through that. But also

01:02:14: fixing others emotions.

01:02:16: Like nice guys are very bad and

01:02:18: I was very bad in sitting with other

01:02:22: people with negative

01:02:24: so-called negative emotions like

01:02:26: you know sadness, anger. And these

01:02:29: emotions usually nice guys

01:02:30: don't really like like as

01:02:32: conflict avoidant people like oh anger

01:02:34: from others or I don't know

01:02:35: I need to get rid of this.

01:02:37: A lot of nice guys are very empathetic

01:02:38: and can sense the room and

01:02:40: maybe grew up in an environment

01:02:42: where it wasn't safe. It was like to be

01:02:45: around. It was like you know not

01:02:47: necessarily like physically

01:02:48: not safe but also emotionally maybe not

01:02:51: safe. And maybe not even

01:02:52: towards the nice guy but just

01:02:54: between the parents for example. That was

01:02:56: like maybe they fought or

01:02:58: they split up at some point

01:02:59: they divorced maybe. And so the nice guy

01:03:03: just learned to observe

01:03:05: the room and then try to you

01:03:08: know put out the fires before it kind of

01:03:12: explodes into this huge

01:03:14: fight, huge problem and kind of

01:03:16: takes responsibility for it. One example

01:03:19: like one specific example I

01:03:21: have from back then is that

01:03:23: I was never like good or I never

01:03:28: understood how guys you know back then

01:03:30: even school how guys could

01:03:32: make girls feel happy again after they're

01:03:34: sad. I was always like oh

01:03:37: there's someone sad I'm also

01:03:39: sad now. Like I always like I feel like

01:03:43: I'm this emotional

01:03:44: chameleon. I'm just like you know I'm

01:03:46: the same emotion as you are right now.

01:03:49: I'm just like I don't know

01:03:52: and other guys could like

01:03:54: apparently be still their happy self and

01:03:57: were like okay I make

01:03:57: some jokes and I make some

01:03:59: funny comments and then the other person

01:04:00: was happy again. I was

01:04:00: like how does it work? I don't

01:04:02: understand. Like I'm you're sad I'm sad

01:04:04: with you. Like that's my way of I don't

01:04:07: know helping helping

01:04:08: you there maybe. But then also yeah in

01:04:11: that situation a lot of

01:04:12: times when other people are

01:04:13: sad I'm also sad and therefore I don't

01:04:17: want to be sad and I want to

01:04:18: try to fix them their sadness

01:04:21: and try to find solutions for them in

01:04:24: order to not feel sad

01:04:26: anymore because that's the same as

01:04:29: when I feel sad. I want to like you know

01:04:31: try to your brain always

01:04:33: comes up with solutions to not

01:04:34: feel sad anymore. That's where addictions

01:04:36: come from by the way. But

01:04:38: why is that false? So why

01:04:40: is that not your true self? Obviously

01:04:44: it's like a learned behavior as I said

01:04:46: before it's like you

01:04:47: learned that while growing up in

01:04:49: childhood that that's like where you get

01:04:51: the validation from maybe

01:04:52: you know like me and my friend where I

01:04:55: talk to him and it's like oh this is

01:04:57: where I get validation.

01:04:59: It's like this is when I when I can help

01:05:01: others when I'm of worth

01:05:03: to someone then that's where

01:05:06: I'm shining and that's why I'm safe.

01:05:08: Ultimately I'm

01:05:09: feeling safe because I know

01:05:12: like nobody can outcast me from the group

01:05:14: they need me. But this is

01:05:16: the base motivation is wrong

01:05:18: right? It's of course it's good to help

01:05:19: others. But the base

01:05:21: motivation of not giving from

01:05:23: over flown from like yeah I'm

01:05:25: authentically wanting to help you but

01:05:26: like I help you. So in

01:05:28: order to not get kicked from the group or

01:05:32: like someone cannot be

01:05:33: angry with me because

01:05:35: otherwise I might not help them anymore.

01:05:37: It's kind of like it's kind of like

01:05:39: subconsciously a toxic

01:05:40: behavior where it's like I'm doing this

01:05:42: so you cannot do anything

01:05:44: against me. I'm so useful that

01:05:47: I'm safe here. So it's really a survival

01:05:49: mechanism and not like oh I'm feeling so

01:05:52: good I'm overflowing

01:05:53: with positive energy and I'm giving now.

01:05:55: But it's like a trait. I'm trading that

01:05:57: feeling of that that

01:05:59: help towards yeah feeling safe. And that

01:06:03: leads usually for me it

01:06:04: led to like a question that

01:06:06: recently even for myself again that I'm

01:06:10: oftentimes having friends and also

01:06:13: long-term friends from back

01:06:14: then who are kind of I feel like I can

01:06:18: help them and it can be of

01:06:19: worth to their lives. But I'm

01:06:20: feeling kind of like when people aren't

01:06:23: that I don't know I'm just

01:06:24: subconsciously never become

01:06:26: friends with them because maybe with them

01:06:29: I don't feel safe enough

01:06:29: or something like that.

01:06:30: It's not your true self because for

01:06:33: example also when you can't hold the

01:06:35: emotion of the other

01:06:36: person like the other person gets sad or

01:06:38: angry and you also you

01:06:41: can't hold the emotion of just

01:06:42: like sitting there it's like yeah accept

01:06:43: your sadness it's okay

01:06:44: that it's there and I'm not

01:06:46: getting drawn into that emotion of the

01:06:48: other person then when

01:06:51: that doesn't happen when I'm

01:06:52: able to just stand here it's like then I

01:06:54: you know can just allow

01:06:56: that other person to be in that

01:06:57: emotion. I don't go into fixing mode

01:06:59: which usually doesn't fix

01:07:00: anything right. We try to also not

01:07:03: really fix the other person and we cannot

01:07:06: really if we're honest

01:07:07: because how do I how am I like

01:07:11: I don't have any insights of what the

01:07:12: other person really needs or doesn't

01:07:14: need. So we usually try to

01:07:16: fix ourselves in that moment just because

01:07:18: we're getting sad because

01:07:19: the other person is getting

01:07:20: sad but we're not even realizing it. So

01:07:22: that's that's one way to like

01:07:25: strengthening the nervous

01:07:28: system and strengthening our own like

01:07:31: consciousness of I'm here you're there

01:07:33: like I'm not responsible

01:07:34: for your emotions. To not go into savior

01:07:37: mode to not go into

01:07:38: fixing mode. So bottom line is

01:07:41: this behavior isn't your true self it's

01:07:44: like where you think

01:07:46: your worth comes from where

01:07:48: the people the community needs you where

01:07:50: they can't outcast you

01:07:52: and where you feel safe.

01:07:54: Ultimately it's a behavior to feel safe

01:07:56: if you like that and if you

01:07:59: identify with that you can leave

01:08:01: something like a comment on YouTube for

01:08:05: example or a DM me or also if you

01:08:07: recognize that behavior

01:08:08: and friends please send them the podcast

01:08:10: episode and see if they see

01:08:12: that in themselves because

01:08:13: usually it's so much easier from the

01:08:15: outside to see these behaviors than yeah

01:08:18: to reflect upon that

01:08:20: on ourselves. So yeah as every week I

01:08:24: have an actionable quest for

01:08:26: you where you can challenge

01:08:27: yourself a little bit and the quest is

01:08:29: observe and resist the

01:08:31: urge to want to fix someone's

01:08:34: emotion. So no fixing this week it's all

01:08:37: just one time you know no

01:08:38: fixing but be aware and look

01:08:40: inside yourself what happens inside of

01:08:43: you when the other person is

01:08:45: sad or angry just be with the

01:08:48: other person's emotion without trying to

01:08:51: change them. So while

01:08:53: another person in your surrounding

01:08:55: gets angry or sad instead of reacting to

01:08:58: it what you usually would do

01:09:00: be aware of what's happening

01:09:02: inside of you. Do you get angry in that

01:09:05: moment also or sad also or like maybe

01:09:08: insecure or like maybe

01:09:09: for me it's like when another person gets

01:09:11: angry I get anxiety like

01:09:12: you know just look inside

01:09:15: what's what's happening inside of you and

01:09:19: then see oh where does that

01:09:21: reaction usually come from

01:09:24: and then here are four questions again

01:09:25: which are also in the

01:09:26: comments but I'm gonna read them

01:09:29: number one when someone close to me is

01:09:31: upset what's my

01:09:33: immediate impulse and why?

01:09:35: Second where in my life did I first learn

01:09:41: that my worth comes from helping others?

01:09:47: Number three how might always stepping in

01:09:51: to help actually keep others from growing?

01:09:53: Number four who am I when I'm not in the

01:10:01: role of the helper who am I then?

01:10:05: So yeah thank you for listening and I'm

01:10:07: gonna see you next time